My Halloween Costume Is Absolutely Spooktacular + How To Enjoy Spookiness The Right Way

I love Halloween so much. I love the spookiness, the spiciness, the crispiness. I love that it falls at the end of October, the best month of the year. It’s the staple holiday of fall, much more so than Thanksgiving. If you’re wondering how to get into the spirit of the season, let me offer you my recipe: grab a copy of the Sherlock Holmes short stories (you can also read Edgar Allen Poe’s “A Telltale Heart” and/or “The Cask of Amontillado”). Find yourself a real, wood-burning fireplace. If this is unavailable, just light something on fire and sit in front of it with your book (don’t burn your book though, because the Nazis did that and they were bad guys). Simmer some cider on low heat over the stove and pour in a generous helping of spiced rum. With drink in hand, feet in front of the fire/burning pile of furniture, and the stories of Poe/Holmes keeping you guessing, you’ll find yourself transported to a world of mysterious, gothic delight. I’m scrunching my toes just picturing it!

As for Halloween itself, it’s kind of a bullshit holiday for adults. Costume parties are a huge hassle. Girls dress up as cats, angels, devils, or other minimal-effort charades that make them look festive + sexy. I always struggle with my costume because I never plan ahead and I hate buying bullshit, low-quality pageantry that unravels by your 4th cup of goblin’s grog! In years past, I’ve tried to make my own costume out of whatever assorted shit I had in my closet. This typically results in an identity crisis, where everyone says “what are you?” and I have to say some fucked-up combination of Michel Scott, Indiana Jones, and Wolverine. It’s embarrassing but it’s cheap.

But this year, I’ll be going as…

His Grace Joffrey of Houses Baratheon and Lannister, First of His Name, King of the Andals and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, and Protector of the Realm. 

Guess who’s back… back again… Joffrey’s back… tell Sansa to bring a friend!

Look at that fucking costume! Some seamstress makes these super legit GOT costumes on eBay. I had to send her a ton of measurements, like the distance between my shoulders, distance from tip of dong to floor, etc. (this was a disappointingly high number). The ensemble was a little steep, but I decided to spring for it because I’ve scrounged up a little scratch from being on the road every weekend this fall. And what a treat it will be. I get to be one of the most hatable characters in all of television for a night. Everyone knows chicks love bad boys. And I’ll be the baddest boy at this party, unless someone goes full Hitler, which would be a major attention-grabbing, “look at me I’m Hitler” move. Don’t be Hitler at your Halloween party, guys.

Check out some of the other costumes this lady has:

Oberyn Martell? The dude was dead after like, 5 minutes. Sure, I loved his character, but how insane is that costume for a character who was only featured for a few episodes? Amazing!

Rob Stark. Look at the size of that fucking sword. I don’t about you guys, but the neighborhood swordsmith in Brooklyn went out of business years ago. Like, 600 years ago. And how about that fur? Better hope you’re not at a PITA party, or you’ll be covered in red paint, looking like Rob after the Red Wedding. Ouch!

Good Sir Jaime! Back when he had his hand. But in case this isn’t your favorite iteration of Jaime Lannister, she also has:

Season 7 Sir Jaime! Gold hand and all. And if THAT’S not your cup of tea, maybe you’ll like:

Jaime when he visited Dorn! For one fucking episode!! Are you fucking kidding me? Does ANYBODY need to be THIS SPECIFIC about the Jaime Lannister they’re playing?! Holy fucking shit. This is like when you take a shower at your girl’s place and she has 14 different types of shampoo. Imagine running into the guy wearing this Jaime costume at a party?

“Oh, you’re Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones. Cool costume!”

“No, you unspecific motherfucker. I’m SIR Jaime Lannister, from season 5, when he visits Dorne to retrieve Myrcella. And to be even more clear, this is the outfit he changes into when he negotiates with Prince Doran Martell. He doesn’t wear this the entire time he’s on the island. You may recall he wore a sexy leather number for the fight against the Dornish soldiers alongside Bronn? On the dunes? Or maybe you don’t, because you watch the show “casually” and didn’t “read the books” and got into the show “last year” and have “watch parties” with your “friends” and “knew all along” that Jon was the true heir to the iron throne? That’s you, you fucking tourist. Get out of my face.”

Anyway, enjoy your Halloween! If you need to find me, I’ll be getting super creepy with chicks until my face melts off at the end of the party.